a battle no one sees..

The fight that I hate most, is not with a sibling, not with a friend, nor with a parent, not even with a lover. It's the one that no one sees. A battle within. Sometimes I myself can't even understand what's going on. The choices are there in front of me but then again it's so hard to choose whether to go left or right. I know I'm not alone in this. Fighting a war with myself is something that eats me up inside, it takes hours, even days to fix me, and what's hard is that no one can say I'll be alright unless, I myself say that I will be. Yes, there are the significant people that can contribute to the betterment of my well being, I give them credit so much credit, and I am so grateful. But this stubborn head of mine is just not fit for the "Today I feel like crap then the day after I pretend I'm okay and all better." It doesn't work that way for me, maybe sometimes but not always. What even get's me more confused and makes it more difficult is when other people's emotions are being dealt with. I'd have to choose whether I would consider my own feelings over the feelings of the other person. Should I give in, keep quiet and swallow everything? Today, I found out that I am capable to give in, I am capable of swallowing my own feelings, for the other person to feel better. The process is just too painful and too much to take in sometimes. Like when you have done nothing wrong and totally clueless to why things are the way they are, when you can't understand, and when you're hurt-it's just too painful. BUT, is it worth it? forgetting the hurt you feel for someone else to feel better? My answer to that is yes.

My Tragic Flaw...

..Everwood..

The more things change, the more they stay the same..

I'm not sure who the first person was who said that, probably Shakepeare or maybe Sting, but at the moment it's the sentence that best describes my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this, the more I get to know other people the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw-staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still, it feels better somehow, and if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar; because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo, choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad, not as far as flaws go, you're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone, except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion or all of the sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked really really close, which thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference and you hope that it is; that you get to be that person forever, that you'll never have to change again.