a battle no one sees..

The fight that I hate most, is not with a sibling, not with a friend, nor with a parent, not even with a lover. It's the one that no one sees. A battle within. Sometimes I myself can't even understand what's going on. The choices are there in front of me but then again it's so hard to choose whether to go left or right. I know I'm not alone in this. Fighting a war with myself is something that eats me up inside, it takes hours, even days to fix me, and what's hard is that no one can say I'll be alright unless, I myself say that I will be. Yes, there are the significant people that can contribute to the betterment of my well being, I give them credit so much credit, and I am so grateful. But this stubborn head of mine is just not fit for the "Today I feel like crap then the day after I pretend I'm okay and all better." It doesn't work that way for me, maybe sometimes but not always. What even get's me more confused and makes it more difficult is when other people's emotions are being dealt with. I'd have to choose whether I would consider my own feelings over the feelings of the other person. Should I give in, keep quiet and swallow everything? Today, I found out that I am capable to give in, I am capable of swallowing my own feelings, for the other person to feel better. The process is just too painful and too much to take in sometimes. Like when you have done nothing wrong and totally clueless to why things are the way they are, when you can't understand, and when you're hurt-it's just too painful. BUT, is it worth it? forgetting the hurt you feel for someone else to feel better? My answer to that is yes.

My Tragic Flaw...

..Everwood..

The more things change, the more they stay the same..

I'm not sure who the first person was who said that, probably Shakepeare or maybe Sting, but at the moment it's the sentence that best describes my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this, the more I get to know other people the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw-staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still, it feels better somehow, and if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar; because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo, choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad, not as far as flaws go, you're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone, except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion or all of the sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked really really close, which thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference and you hope that it is; that you get to be that person forever, that you'll never have to change again.

..Lovers' T'rain

..i was on the N express train today, on my way home. I couldn't stop thinking of you, i actually still can't, i don't want to stop. I'm loving every moment, i'm smiling all throughout. sigh. Damn i love you.

it happened near 36st. i was just looking around, i was sitting at the end where i can see almost everybody, then there they were, he was holding her hand as they moved across near the door of the train, they had to stand for all seats were taken, she smiled at him, they talked, they giggled, they stared into each others eyes-i looked away. I couldn't stand seeing how happy they were, it hurt, 'cause all the while, I was imagining us. I was imagining it was you holding my hand, it was us exchanging stares and laughs. I paused and looked down, i managed to put a smile on my face just thinking about you, about us, i felt better and excited.

Just when i turned to glance at them-they kissed. Ugh!! Why did I have to look? it hurt even more.. and the worse part? I didn't stop stealing glances at them kissing and hugging, oh sweet torture. Kept staring and fighting with myself not to look--and they kept kissing..

good. it's my stop

..contradiction

"The cure is if you let in just a little more love, I promise you this, a little's enough"

4:03 a.m. I stare..and I keep staring, into the open nothingness. Clock turns 4:04 a.m. I feel like crying. But i won't, 'cause I'm strong..yeah that's it, 'cause I'm strong.. (and away I pour..)..

Should i put on my best mask for today? I think i should, not to mislead other people nor try to fit in with the rest of the neutral, "normal-living" people, but rather, to help myself, help avoid seeing the real emotions in my eyes. "Aren't you happy?" some might ask. I am, I'm at my happiest; and I realized with great happiness comes great sacrifice. It's that sacrifice that keeps reminding me I'm capable of loving and being unconditionally loved in return. It's that sacrifice that teaches me to stretch my patience, to keep holding on, and to trust in Him.

Untitled

Nightfall, here we go. They're all coming.....3...2...1..

The noisiest time is when you hear nothing but silence, we all get a little taste of it, right before going to bed, just staring blankly and motionless at the ceiling in the dark, you hear nothing, then out of nowhere, you hear everything. From the regrets of yesteryear to the worries of tomorrow. One by one they start to creep out, making you toss and turn, hour after hour, the harder part comes crashing-you start to feel lonely, frustrated that no one seems to understand, and the pain you thought you had defeated way back, hits you right in the face like a boomerang. Tears are forming, with all your might, you desperately make an effort to hold them back not only because you're hurting but because of the fact that you're burned out, exhausted, jaded. You curl up and wrap your arms around yourself for comfort. You realize, "oh sh*t I'm back to where I started. Not again!!"

Faced again with the same looking crossroads, you already know what's at the end of each path, you've been there, done that. Nothing's changed, nothing's improved. What is left to do? What am I doing wrong? You start to question yourself and fail to retrieve the answers. You try to contain your mind, trying to make it stop thinking even for a minute, but the more you resist the louder the noise gets.

Life can be painful. It can be unfair. But I know you know that we all have a choice, a choice of how we handle it, the mere attitude of facing what lies ahead; and you'll say "I've already looked left and right, both paths led me to nowhere"

..and I say to you, pause, breathe, you've been trying to move forward, but with what? with all the fears and insecurities and confusion you carry within your fragile heart..It's time to drop 'em leave 'em behind, take off your mask, why are you wearing one anyway? Don't be afraid to show your emotions don't be hesitant to release what's been kept inside. You are HUMAN. You're not alone. I know you're hurting, I can see past the smiles and even though you say you're alright/you'll be fine..still i can see the soul inside, scared and broken. Let's take a step back and hand over your worries. Now, become an empty canvass, strip your confusion off. Don't get caught up with something you're not sure of yet. Free your mind. You'll find what you're looking for along the way, this time without the extra baggage affecting your decisions your wants. They're right in front of you, all you gotta do now is decide. Decide with a clear head and with an open heart.

I won't say this journey is easy. Never was. Never is. Never will be. Nevertheless, you will have to go through this. You will make that decision. But I assure you, you won't have to go through it alone. Look up, He's there. Look beside you. I'm here. When they're all gone, We will still be here.

©broken1209

50 mins..

As i begin to type, im having second thoughts on whether i should or shouldn't continue to post this. It's just a small piece of happening that made my heart curl up and hide in a corner and again my eyes couldn't contain the drops of tears that were building up....

(pause..50 mins pass by..)

i start to pour, you start to pour with me..we talk about it with patience, calmness, and utmost understanding..we exchange sorry's.. you hug me, and i hold on tighter..with tears rolling down our faces, we make up.. it's fixed. im healed. no more curled up heart..

again we get to experience something like this, a test, and everytime, we get reminded of how much we love each other..emotions about the first i love you is coming back to me..

Thank You Lord. For allowing us to overcome this trial. I Love You Lord.

i love you..

sigh..i love you

It's 10:47pm, what's on my mind as of the moment? plenty, about you..

it's late in the afternoon, we take a drive along the beach, you're driving, windows rolled down, the road is empty and quiet, listening to Jen Foster, the breeze feels so good, with your arm around me, and my head on your shoulder, it's perfect. i just want to freeze time, freeze this moment and hope it never ends. It gets better, i look at you and think to myself-Lord, Thank You, I'm so blessed..and i see u glance at me, as if you're hearing the words im saying, i bet you do hear them. You hold me tighter, and i hug you back, and you give me a sweet kiss. i love you.

...sigh...

Waking up next to you, first thing i see-your smile, it's gonna be a wonderful Sunday.. we have breakfast, and attend mass. Thank You Lord. We have the whole day to ourselves, no work today for the both of us, i surprise you and take you to the museum you've always wanted to go to, full of art and history..you loved it..then we have lunch at a japanese restaurant, you're loving the sushi, im only having chicken teriyaki ehehe..spur of the moment, you decide to go to the carnival, we have a blast..it's getting dark..we have a walk in the park..your hand gripping mine..and i wrap my arms around you, holding you tight..(kiss)..hmmm... uh-oh.. drop..another drop.. it starts to drizzle..we don't mind..we both love the rain..standing in the rain with you hugging and kissing me-it feels so perfect..it is so perfect..it pours hard.. we run hand in hand and leave behind echoes of laughter..another wonderful day with you..i love you.

...sigh...

Another night off..we're just chillin on the couch watching dvds, sippin' on apple juice :) munching on popcorn..talking about anything..just having a good time..and yes..indeed another perfect night..(kiss) i love you.

..sigh.. i love you..