my solace..my haven

a battle no one sees..

2009-12-28T15:14:00.002-05:00

The fight that I hate most, is not with a sibling, not with a friend, nor with a parent, not even with a lover. It's the one that no one sees. A battle within. Sometimes I myself can't even understand what's going on. The choices are there in front of me but then again it's so hard to choose whether to go left or right. I know I'm not alone in this. Fighting a war with myself is something that eats me up inside, it takes hours, even days to fix me, and what's hard is that no one can say I'll be alright unless, I myself say that I will be. Yes, there are the significant people that can contribute to the betterment of my well being, I give them credit so much credit, and I am so grateful. But this stubborn head of mine is just not fit for the "Today I feel like crap then the day after I pretend I'm okay and all better." It doesn't work that way for me, maybe sometimes but not always. What even get's me more confused and makes it more difficult is when other people's emotions are being dealt with. I'd have to choose whether I would consider my own feelings over the feelings of the other person. Should I give in, keep quiet and swallow everything? Today, I found out that I am capable to give in, I am capable of swallowing my own feelings, for the other person to feel better. The process is just too painful and too much to take in sometimes. Like when you have done nothing wrong and totally clueless to why things are the way they are, when you can't understand, and when you're hurt-it's just too painful. BUT, is it worth it? forgetting the hurt you feel for someone else to feel better? My answer to that is yes.

My Tragic Flaw...

2009-12-08T08:27:00.002-05:00

..Everwood..

The more things change, the more they stay the same..

I'm not sure who the first person was who said that, probably Shakepeare or maybe Sting, but at the moment it's the sentence that best describes my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this, the more I get to know other people the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw-staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still, it feels better somehow, and if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar; because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo, choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad, not as far as flaws go, you're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone, except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion or all of the sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked really really close, which thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference and you hope that it is; that you get to be that person forever, that you'll never have to change again.

..Lovers' T'rain

2009-11-05T00:52:00.007-05:00

..i was on the N express train today, on my way home. I couldn't stop thinking of you, i actually still can't, i don't want to stop. I'm loving every moment, i'm smiling all throughout. sigh. Damn i love you.

it happened near 36st. i was just looking around, i was sitting at the end where i can see almost everybody, then there they were, he was holding her hand as they moved across near the door of the train, they had to stand for all seats were taken, she smiled at him, they talked, they giggled, they stared into each others eyes-i looked away. I couldn't stand seeing how happy they were, it hurt, 'cause all the while, I was imagining us. I was imagining it was you holding my hand, it was us exchanging stares and laughs. I paused and looked down, i managed to put a smile on my face just thinking about you, about us, i felt better and excited.

Just when i turned to glance at them-they kissed. Ugh!! Why did I have to look? it hurt even more.. and the worse part? I didn't stop stealing glances at them kissing and hugging, oh sweet torture. Kept staring and fighting with myself not to look--and they kept kissing..

good. it's my stop

..contradiction

2009-11-02T04:28:00.002-05:00

"The cure is if you let in just a little more love, I promise you this, a little's enough"

4:03 a.m. I stare..and I keep staring, into the open nothingness. Clock turns 4:04 a.m. I feel like crying. But i won't, 'cause I'm strong..yeah that's it, 'cause I'm strong.. (and away I pour..)..

Should i put on my best mask for today? I think i should, not to mislead other people nor try to fit in with the rest of the neutral, "normal-living" people, but rather, to help myself, help avoid seeing the real emotions in my eyes. "Aren't you happy?" some might ask. I am, I'm at my happiest; and I realized with great happiness comes great sacrifice. It's that sacrifice that keeps reminding me I'm capable of loving and being unconditionally loved in return. It's that sacrifice that teaches me to stretch my patience, to keep holding on, and to trust in Him.

Untitled

2009-09-08T12:47:00.003-04:00

Nightfall, here we go. They're all coming.....3...2...1..

The noisiest time is when you hear nothing but silence, we all get a little taste of it, right before going to bed, just staring blankly and motionless at the ceiling in the dark, you hear nothing, then out of nowhere, you hear everything. From the regrets of yesteryear to the worries of tomorrow. One by one they start to creep out, making you toss and turn, hour after hour, the harder part comes crashing-you start to feel lonely, frustrated that no one seems to understand, and the pain you thought you had defeated way back, hits you right in the face like a boomerang. Tears are forming, with all your might, you desperately make an effort to hold them back not only because you're hurting but because of the fact that you're burned out, exhausted, jaded. You curl up and wrap your arms around yourself for comfort. You realize, "oh sh*t I'm back to where I started. Not again!!"

Faced again with the same looking crossroads, you already know what's at the end of each path, you've been there, done that. Nothing's changed, nothing's improved. What is left to do? What am I doing wrong? You start to question yourself and fail to retrieve the answers. You try to contain your mind, trying to make it stop thinking even for a minute, but the more you resist the louder the noise gets.

Life can be painful. It can be unfair. But I know you know that we all have a choice, a choice of how we handle it, the mere attitude of facing what lies ahead; and you'll say "I've already looked left and right, both paths led me to nowhere"

..and I say to you, pause, breathe, you've been trying to move forward, but with what? with all the fears and insecurities and confusion you carry within your fragile heart..It's time to drop 'em leave 'em behind, take off your mask, why are you wearing one anyway? Don't be afraid to show your emotions don't be hesitant to release what's been kept inside. You are HUMAN. You're not alone. I know you're hurting, I can see past the smiles and even though you say you're alright/you'll be fine..still i can see the soul inside, scared and broken. Let's take a step back and hand over your worries. Now, become an empty canvass, strip your confusion off. Don't get caught up with something you're not sure of yet. Free your mind. You'll find what you're looking for along the way, this time without the extra baggage affecting your decisions your wants. They're right in front of you, all you gotta do now is decide. Decide with a clear head and with an open heart.

I won't say this journey is easy. Never was. Never is. Never will be. Nevertheless, you will have to go through this. You will make that decision. But I assure you, you won't have to go through it alone. Look up, He's there. Look beside you. I'm here. When they're all gone, We will still be here.

©broken1209

50 mins..

2009-09-04T04:31:00.004-04:00

As i begin to type, im having second thoughts on whether i should or shouldn't continue to post this. It's just a small piece of happening that made my heart curl up and hide in a corner and again my eyes couldn't contain the drops of tears that were building up....

(pause..50 mins pass by..)

i start to pour, you start to pour with me..we talk about it with patience, calmness, and utmost understanding..we exchange sorry's.. you hug me, and i hold on tighter..with tears rolling down our faces, we make up.. it's fixed. im healed. no more curled up heart..

again we get to experience something like this, a test, and everytime, we get reminded of how much we love each other..emotions about the first i love you is coming back to me..

Thank You Lord. For allowing us to overcome this trial. I Love You Lord.

i love you..

sigh..i love you

2009-09-01T22:46:00.007-04:00

It's 10:47pm, what's on my mind as of the moment? plenty, about you..

it's late in the afternoon, we take a drive along the beach, you're driving, windows rolled down, the road is empty and quiet, listening to Jen Foster, the breeze feels so good, with your arm around me, and my head on your shoulder, it's perfect. i just want to freeze time, freeze this moment and hope it never ends. It gets better, i look at you and think to myself-Lord, Thank You, I'm so blessed..and i see u glance at me, as if you're hearing the words im saying, i bet you do hear them. You hold me tighter, and i hug you back, and you give me a sweet kiss. i love you.

...sigh...

Waking up next to you, first thing i see-your smile, it's gonna be a wonderful Sunday.. we have breakfast, and attend mass. Thank You Lord. We have the whole day to ourselves, no work today for the both of us, i surprise you and take you to the museum you've always wanted to go to, full of art and history..you loved it..then we have lunch at a japanese restaurant, you're loving the sushi, im only having chicken teriyaki ehehe..spur of the moment, you decide to go to the carnival, we have a blast..it's getting dark..we have a walk in the park..your hand gripping mine..and i wrap my arms around you, holding you tight..(kiss)..hmmm... uh-oh.. drop..another drop.. it starts to drizzle..we don't mind..we both love the rain..standing in the rain with you hugging and kissing me-it feels so perfect..it is so perfect..it pours hard.. we run hand in hand and leave behind echoes of laughter..another wonderful day with you..i love you.

...sigh...

Another night off..we're just chillin on the couch watching dvds, sippin' on apple juice :) munching on popcorn..talking about anything..just having a good time..and yes..indeed another perfect night..(kiss) i love you.

..sigh.. i love you..

862 days with you..

2009-08-26T02:43:00.002-04:00

I stare at you, soft music playing in the background, makes me wonder: how in the world did we end up here? Life itself is so amazing don't you think? Fate? Does it even exist? Destiny..things that are just meant to be no matter what the circumstances are?

because of you, yes. i definitely believe that some people are just meant to be no matter how shitty the situation is. soulmates. that's what we are. ever since i saw you i always felt this connection between us. strangers we were..then friends..then back to being strangers..it was hell, yes?

my mind right now is like a circus-can't really put my thoughts in order.

all i know is, i love you with everything i am, and im never gonna let you go..
we've been through a lot, to hell and back..i have no regrets whatsoever..
letting go of the things ive held on to..i made the right choice.. im at my happiest when im with you..

i love you..

rough draft..to nowhere..

2009-08-21T14:29:00.006-04:00

Why am i always like this?
why am i if not always, most of the time, the first to break down?
why am i always the one with tears ready to fall?
am i that weak when it comes to you?
i guess i am, when tension sets in, i can't help it. i wanna fix it right away esp the little issues..
the little misunderstandings that we have coz ...

you know what i dont even know where im going with this..i don't have a purpose or a main topic.. im lost with the intense emotions i have.. i can be sensitive -- yes i can..and i know you can too..and sometimes you know it makes my heart heavy.. i can't and won't try to be immuned to little issues because it starts there.. the little issues that can't be resolved build up and may be a bigger issue in the future. im avoiding that. why? simple, i dont wanna lose you...

im so sensitive when it comes to you.. dont wanna do the wrong things.. say the wrong words..

...

2009-08-19T15:22:00.001-04:00

Albert Einstein : Fell in love and Failed.

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.

Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness not with man you love but the man who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being.

To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that keep in your heart.

Do not let the bitterness rare you away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the endure efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.

Believe me; you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself.

Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn't mean you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

There are two ways to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle.

The other is though everything is a miracle.

disclosure...?

2009-08-19T13:47:00.008-04:00

i wanna tell you something.. it's one of my most personal and deepest thoughts.. and i want you to know about it..

something about me only a few chosen people know, and i want you to be a part of the chosen few..

i wanna tell you because i trust you.. i wanna tell you because i know you'll understand.. im scared yes.. but i am confident that i can say it to you.. so what do you say?...

shoot?...

release..

2009-08-17T07:19:00.002-04:00

dammit!
is it worth it?!
am i worth it?!
frustrated!
upset!
rejected!
furious!
it hurts!
-----------------
sunny skies
waves..
sand..
palm trees..
blue water..
water...
horizon..
water..
be calm..

"Something to talk about.."

2009-08-16T16:46:00.006-04:00

just came across the song by Bonnie Raitt, and i became nostalgic, i used to listen to this when i was a kid, 9-10 yrs old, i loved this.. and you know what im loving it more because for the first time, i understand the lyrics, before i only liked the beat and the way she sang it.. =)

sad thing about this is, i was able to recall a nasty unpleasant era of my life, more specifically college life. Full of drama-betrayal, confrontations, sleepless nights, long sobbing nights. Ugh! why did i have to recall it. maybe it's time to put it into writing, to put away in my "my solace..my haven" box to be kept locked and forever hidden. since i already faced most of it i guess it's time to rest.

How can my so-called (ex)bestfriend, someone i cared for, whom i understood when no one else would, whom i was patient to whenever she became so frickin' demanding, whom i shared resources with whenever she was left with nothing and no one, betray me? stab me right in the back-as well as the front-ALL OVER???!!! How could she do that to me?? was i mean to her? did i do something wrong? looking back i cant recall that i have done anything that would make her do that to me. i was nice and caring..a bestfriend.. :'/

was she jealous of the new people in my life? was she looking for attention? what the hell was she trying to do? push me to the edge? what a b@#*h!!

201 was the semester i hated. not because of the pressures of schoolwork but because it was as if i was walking around campus headless. i changed. i became so disturbed mentally speaking, i was paranoid, and i suffered from ideas of reference in my opinion. i was sick, attending class everyday was like a cold blooded war for me, not knowing who my enemies were, i just kept my eyes and ears wide open, it sucked. i couldn't focus, i wasn't normal! errrrrr...i just hated that time, everything was crashing, friendships and schoolwork were affected. and that was the time when i wanted to pass. i wanted to resort to ending my life. thank God i didnt.

I got through it. with the help of true friends who stood by me all throughout the whole issue. 201 made me realize who the assholes were and who weren't. it made me a stronger person. boosted my confrontation skill. imagine i confronted her on her birthday, that happened on the 2nd floor of NAC bldg, made her feel bad on her birthday, oh well. sorry.but thats that.

although i got thru 201 and the issue was somehow inactive, i spent the next four levels of my course with paranoia. i didnt wanna meet new people because i was afraid they've come across that news that i dreaded. i had trouble trusting people. ugh!!! i hated the feeling.. then BAM!!! 205 came.. it happened again, this time it was worse, to the point that my bestfriend received a nasty text message about me. Oh dear.. i didn't care anymore, i was through that.

SIGH...

im just happy that i dont have to face those people who are full of shit anymore.. i have my life ahead of me which dont include them. oh and i know the identities of those people who extended their effort to pass the story to other people, i was kinda shocked because these f**kin' people dont know a damn thing about me, and yet they decided to judge me? they didnt know jack about who i was!!!! damn people can be sooooo.... ugh cant even find the right word to describe them. maybe their lives were boring? so they decided to pick on me? was that it? they saw that my life was indulged with more issues? i'll never know..

well.. i guess i just gave them something to talk about.. :P

stranger no more..

2009-08-16T14:38:00.003-04:00

you knocked some sense in me with our talk. i thank you from the deepest corner of my heart.
it's amazing how one finds comfort in someone so new, so fresh. strangers meeting in the most unexpected ways. i guess that's the beauty of life, never knowing how things can turn out, surprises out of nowhere. from a simple bump on the street to a quick hi and hello. life throws us these people, and it's up to us to catch them and see the beauty that they bring and their purpose for somehow finding their way to our busy and complicated lives.
another amazing thing i noticed is how some people take forever to build their friendships and relationships, and others..well they don't have to build it, coz it has already been built from that single hello, from that single smile. they just fit. instantly.
People like you make me feel blessed and make me realize the fact that i don't need 100 friends all around me all the time to make me feel loved and appreciated-NO-having 4-5 TRUE FRIENDS beats the hundred.

my bff, my sis, kapwa princess...

2009-08-14T11:54:00.000-04:00

went around facebook trying to ask for your number..asked mutual friends but no luck..

i feel at ease when i talk to you kasi.. and just feelin' lost :/

thank you..thank you for bumping into me in this journey of life, i know we weren't close before, heck we didn't even know each other ehehe, but i think you just came at the right time.. :)

it's not like we lost time right? i feel like ive known you all my life..
thank you bff,sister,kapwa princess with gahom gahom!!!

Getting lost...

2009-08-14T10:35:00.000-04:00

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